The Stories in Our Heads (Fact vs. Meaning)

Theory

One of the most common traps I see the founders I coach falling into is mistaking the stories in their heads for facts.

Facts are things we all observe. They are things that have happened, witnessed, and we can agree they happened. If I hit you in the face with a water balloon full of 35°F water, we’re not going to argue about whether you just got hit in the face with an icy cold water balloon—unless I’m a dirty liar, which for the sake of simplicity we will assume I am not.

Not only am I not a dirty liar, but I am also not a sonofabitch, so I did not mean to hit you in the face with the water balloon—I’m just an untrained liquid projectile launcher. But anyone who has ever been hit in the face with a water balloon knows that it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that their assailant definitely did that shit on purpose. The meanings we create about the facts we observe are not facts—they are interpretations or stories we tell ourselves about the facts.

The meaning we give a fact—like getting hit in the kisser with a slushy latex bag of water—can dramatically change how we react.

• Meaning 1: Supposing you’re charitable, you may decide I didn’t do it on purpose, I slipped, it must have been an accident, and gawdang, that was kinda funny.
• Meaning 2: Supposing you don’t really trust me, the meaning you make up may be that I am most definitely a sonofabitch, I meant to do it, and I’m looking to put the hurt on you via tap-water trajectile.

If you’re in the meaning 1 camp, you’ll likely forgive me, laugh about it, and move on. As for meaning 2 camp, things will get ugly one way or another.

Practice

That may have sounded like an application or practice, but there’s a lot more under the hood to put to work here, starting with writing a no freezing water balloon in the office policy.

The first thing to take away here is that everybody makes up stories about stuff that happens. You have done this today—I guarantee it.

The second thing to take away is that people are especially prone to making up stories when there are missing facts. For example, if I’m late to a meeting, you don’t know why I’m late. You know I’m not there. So until you can get more information, you have to sit there not knowing. And people hate not knowing. So we make up a story to avoid living in the scary Land of Unknowing.

The third thing to take away is that the key is to begin to notice when you’re making up stories. I like to call this “noticing when you’re living in Meaning Land instead of Fact Land.” People are almost always (but not always) living in the Land of Meaning when they’re feeling negative emotions toward or about themselves, other people, or circumstances.

Don’t believe me? Remember when Alexis interrupted you this week (fact)? You told yourself a story (they’re rude and self-absorbed). Remember when you couldn’t find the motivation to work past 3pm yesterday? You told yourself a story (all the other founders are working until 8pm and definitely not exercising to beat the evening rush). Remember when there was an S3 outage on launch day? You told yourself a story that Lord Bezos, Destroyer of Milk and Honey, personally cursed your team.

Stories don’t always have to be negative. For example, Positive stories are behind the misalignment of confidence and competence in the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

Negative or positive, the point is that *you do not see Reality—*you’re not living in the Land of Facts, you’re living in the Land of meaning.

So once you notice you’re in meaning Land, it’s helpful to try three things:

1. Draw a T-Chart like the one in the graphic where the left side is labeled “Facts,” and the right is labeled “Meanings.” This way, you’ll be able to see where you’re at.
2. What information could I get in order to shift back to the Land of facts? This often takes the form of a question: “Hey, why did you throw that water balloon at my face?”
3. What about my relationship with this person or situation made me come up with that meaning? This is more about self-reflection. Would you have assumed the same intention if someone else hit you with a flying bag of water?

Summary

Things happen, and then people come up with stories about those things—especially when they are missing information. Our interpretations—the meaning we make—color what we think Reality is. They can make someone a villain or a hero, but they’re often made up. If you’re feeling frustrated with yourself, someone else, or a situation, draw up yer ol’ fact vs. meaning T-Chart and get clear which Land you’re in. Once you’re sure you’re camping out in Fact Land, you can figure out whether you need more information to assess the situation, whether that’s by talking to someone else or spending some time reflecting.